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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.