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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.