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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on