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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. Iām not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.