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I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.