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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.