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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.