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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.