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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.