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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."