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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Smooth move.........ExLax
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.