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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.