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I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.