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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.