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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Little to no thought was put into this status.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"