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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I get my cardio from caffeine...
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.