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How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.