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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
You can`t be late until you show up
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed