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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
My sleep number is 100 proof.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.