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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Relationship Status: eating
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.