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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I just blew all my party money on bills again
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.