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God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.