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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.