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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.