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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"