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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.