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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.