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Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.