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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.