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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
wants to rock and roll all night
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.