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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”