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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.