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When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.