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Running on two hours of sleep Iām either way too happy or violently homicidal.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.