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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
My mind has a mind of its own.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.