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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
i dont have drain bramage.