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I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.