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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.