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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually