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Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I give myself the best presents.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.