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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."