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When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there