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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.