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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.