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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Good for you, people that do things.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.