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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.