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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Does "who cares" count as advice?
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.