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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.