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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
I put the hot in psychotic.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.