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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.