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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.