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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.